Psst! Hey, Girl! Here’s How to Get in the Man Conversation (or Just Leave)
We sauntered into a cool bar in the Financial District where after-work career types gather for a chill down. My 20-something son goes there sometimes and he wanted to have a beer with me and show his 60-something mother the night scene. We ordered, the hip waitress brought our IPAs and we stood at the bar for a chat.
I wanted to concentrate on our conversation, but I was distracted by the threesome gathered next to us at the bar. Two men in their thirties dressed smart casual shouted back and forth to each other above the music and crowd. They were making the usual men-type proclamations about their work successes.
“Hey, I just finished the Young project. It was tough, but I pulled the team through,” said one.
“Yeah, I’ve been working on that bigger Phase 2 project and they put me in charge of the whole thing,” said man number two.
All that was fine and expected, but what really caught my eye was the woman with them, nodding and smiling, like she was hanging on their every word. She searched their eyes for some recognition that she was even there, but they kept on with their back and forth banter, completely ignoring her. Once she tried to comment on a work-related subject they were discussing, but to no avail. They kept on like she was invisible and I saw her shrink back.
Finally, one man left to go to the bathroom and the woman was alone with just one of the men. He sipped his beer, looked around for a better deal, and didn’t even look at her until I heard her start to ask him questions.
“When did you start working at the company?” she said.
“Oh, about 8 years ago. I was hired….” As he went on for 5 minutes without a break or a conversation opener like, “How about you, when did you start here?”
When he stopped, she asked another question. And so it went until the other guy came back and the two men started up again.
Ah, I sighed to myself. So typical. I remembered being in that situation a million times as one of only a few women in the work setting. It took me years to learn the ropes on how to cope. I wanted so much to walk down the bar, tap her on the shoulder, and say, “Psst. Come with me. You need some help here.”
If I’d been alone, I would have done it, but I don’t see my son all that often, so talking together, having a real dialogue with him since he knows how to have one because I taught him, took precedence. But I did imagine in my head later what I would have said:
Dear Woman, here are a few tips to get you out of this horrible, shaming situation that you got yourself into:
1. First, in your head, say, “I am beautiful, I am strong”
2. Next, break in right now. Interrupt. Do not let them keep you out of the conversation
3. Keep talking when they try to interrupt you
4. Do not ask any questions!
5. If this is all too much and you don’t feel like acting like a man, please, please just leave. Say, “Well, I’ve got to go.” They won’t ask you where you’re going, but if by a slim chance they do, just say, “I’ve got an appointment.” It’s not a lie, you could have an appointment with your cat or with your favorite TV program.
I hope this helps you. My skin got all prickly and I twitched as I watched you grovel. Please don’t ever do that again. You don’t have to. You can take control. Believe me, you’ll feel a lot better about yourself. I know I did when I finally learned these tips.
